


The Notebook

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Rolled into one, and all the angst, it's all the fluff, this one hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15043163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing





	The Notebook

Castiel sat down on her bed but frowned a little when he felt something hard beneath him. He got up and lifted her covers to see her bright yellow notebook with the small rose glued onto its cover. The mere sight of it made Cas smile as he picked it up and sat back down on her bed with it in his hands.

He carefully ran his fingers over the cover remembering the first time he had seen it. She was sitting in the library when he walked up behind her and she had immediately shut the book before he could read anything she had been writing but Cas hadn’t taken the hint, instead he sat down next to her. Curious as to what she was doing.

_“What is that Y/N?” Cas motioned towards the small yellow book in her hands and she had just smiled at him._

_“It’s my notebook Cas.”_

_“Like the journal Dean keeps? The one he continued after his dad died?” Cas frowned trying to understand why she had closed the book so fast when he walked up to her but she had just kept smiling at him as she explained._

_“No that is a hunter’s journal. I got one of those two. That is filled with all the monsters and darkness of the world. This…” she waved the small yellow book in the air and smiled, “this is filled with happiness and light.”_

_“I don’t understand Y/N?” Cas tilted his head and stared at her. He wanted nothing more than to understand her. To know every last little detail about her._

_Cas watched her throw her head back and laugh. Cas had been around for a long time. He had heard the voice of every bird and the tone of first instruments but he had never heard anything as beautiful as the sound of her laughter._

_“I put down all the things I love in this book. Like here…” she found a page in the book and held it out for Cas to see it. “These are my favorite movie lines of all time.”_

_“You had me at hello? Bitch, you don’t have future?” Cas frowned fairly confused by the lines he was reading, “this make you happy Y/N?”_

_She laughed again and Cas couldn’t help but smile, “yeah the memory of the movies does. We could watch them all together some time. Maybe they will make you happy too Cas.”_

_“I would like that Y/N! What are you doing tonight?”_

_A genuine happy smile slid across her face as she got off the chair and headed toward her room, “watching a movie with you! Come on Cas!”_

Cas remembered how they had spent the night together in her room. That night and every night in the following week watching her favorite movies. Cas watched her tear up and laugh. He took in the smell of her hair as she rested against him and loved the feeling of her warm body pressed against his.

On the 7th night he had finally gathered up the courage to ask her, “dates that is something all humans do right Y/N?”

She had smiled back at him as she got off the bed and put away her laptop, “yeah Cas. Hunters not so much, but yeah all humans date I think.”

Cas had shifted nervously as he got of the bed and on his feet, “would you like to?”

Cas remembered how bright her smile had gotten when she nodded yes, “I would love to Cas.” Cas smiled and nodded eagerly before turning around to head back to his own room and let her sleep when he remembered she might have misunderstood so he stopped, “with me I mean….”

She had laughed and walked up to him, giving him a warm hug, “I got that part Cas! How does tomorrow sound?”

Cas took a deep breath and slowly opened her yellow notebook only to see her drawings of strawberries and all her other favorite foods. He felt his heart skip a beat as he was taken right back to their first date in the park a few miles away from the bunker.

_“Come on just try Cas! You said food used to make you happy,” she tilted her head and looked at him and it was all Cas could do not to fly across the blanket they were sitting on and kiss her._

_“Y/N. I am sorry. Angels don’t need to eat,” Cas tried but she didn’t give up instead she gently ran the tips of her fingers over the back of his hand and up his arm._

_“But that doesn’t mean you can’t”_

_“Y/N everything tastes like molecules to me now. It is not like when I was human…” Cas frowned when he saw her sitting up straight with a determent look on her face. The one she always got when she was arguing with Dean and he told her she couldn’t do something or when her and Sam were disagreeing on the lore of some creature they were hunting._

_“But you remember the taste right?” she looked straight at him clearly not willing to give up on this idea. Cas sighed and said her name, trying to make her stop and talk about something else but she was adamant._

_“Cas just try this. She handed him a strawberry. Focus on the combined molecules not the individual ones and try and recall the taste in your head,” she begged him and Cas reluctantly took the berry. He stared at her before he closed his eyes and focused like she asked him to do and took a bite fully prepared for the overwhelming taste of it but all he tasted was the berry. It was delicious!_

_Cas’ eyes shoot open and he smiled, “it worked!”_

_Y/N laughed and threw herself into his arms and Cas buried his face in her neck whispering thank you and when she pulled back a little Cas flew forward and pressed his lips against hers before she could disappear from his arms._

_He shocked her at first but within a few seconds she was kissing him back._

Cas had lost track of how long they sat like that. Kissing… tasting… touching each other. He missed her. He missed the way she had felt in his arms that day. The way she had changed his world. Cas noticed an uneaten apple on her desk and he slowly got up and walked across the room and took it in his hand. He stared at it for a while before finally taking a bite out of it and he was hit by the overwhelming taste of molecules. It was disgusting and he spat it out before he threw the apple across the room, accidentally hitting one of her shelves knocking down a few records.

Cas was immediately hit with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. He knew she cherished all of her things and he didn’t wanna break anything. He wanted her room the way she had left it. He rushed across the room and bent over to pick up the records he had knocked to the floor only to be struck by another memory when he saw the album.

_Cas stopped as he walked past her open door. The tunes of music were flowing through the room and she was standing in the middle of the room gently swaying to it._

_Cas remembered the lyrics from her notebook when she had showed it to him sitting on her bed one night a few days ago._

_She laughed when she turned around and saw him standing in the door looking at him and she reached out her hand, “dance with me Cas!”_

_“I don’t know how Y/N,” Cas looked at his feet more than a little embarrassed by his own admission but she just crossed the floor and took his hand dragging him into her room._

_“Then I’ll teach you. First let’s get rid of this!” She gently tugged his trenchcoat down over his shoulders and arms and tossed it over a chair._  

**_She acts like summer and she walks like rain._ **

**_Reminds me that there’s a time to change…._**  

_“Now put your arms around my waist like this,” she took his hands, guiding his arms around her before wrapping hers around his neck._  

**_Since her return of her stay on the moon_ **

**_She listens like spring and she talks like June…_**  

_“Now just listen to the music. Feel it,” she smiled at him as she looked into his eyes. She was all he saw and the music filled his head._  

**_Tell me did you sail across the sun?_ **

**_Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded?_ **

**_And that heaven is overrated…_**  

_“Now all you have to do is sway,” she smiled and moved her hips to the music under his hands and Cas slowly began to move with her._  

**_Tell me did you fall from a shooting star?_ **

**_Without a permanent scar?_ **

**_And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?_**  

**_“_ ** _Just like that,” she laughed and encouraged him. Cas began to laugh himself as he grew bolder and wrapped his arm around her and dipped her to the floor just like he had seen in one of her movies._

_Cas pulled her back into his arms and kissed her as they kept swaying to the music until the song ended and another began and their hands started to wander slowly ridding each other of their clothes as they made their way to her bed._

Cas felt as if the wind was knocked out of him as he remembered his first night with her. It was as if he could still taste her. He could still feel her warm body moving against him and Cas fell to his knees as he was hit with the realization he would never feel that ever again. He would never get to hear her whisper  _I love you_ again and he wouldn’t get a chance to tell her he loved her too ever again.

_Cas ran through the door with Dean by his side and Sam not too far behind them but Cas froze in the spot as he saw them. As he realized they were too late. He saw Amara sucking the soul from Y/N’s body and he felt as if his world collapsed around him. He didn’t come to until Dean’s voice rang in his ears._

_“Amara NO!!”_

_Cas raised his blade and stormed forward but it was too late. Y/N’s soul was gone and Amara disappeared in a cloud of Darkness. Cas let the blade fall to the ground and himself to his knees next to her._

_She was crying and apologizing. Cas held her and tears started streaming down her face as she began begging him, “Cas please. I can’t live like this!”_

_“Y/N don’t say that!” Sam’s voice sounded behind Cas and Dean continued, “we will find a way sweetheart. We always do!”_

_“How?” she stared at the brothers as she clung to Cas and when they didn’t answer her eyes returned to his, “Cas please! I still remember the things I love but they mean nothing anymore. My notebook means nothing. You… I remember loving you but I don’t want to live to forget what that feels like. Please!!”_

_Cas nodded slowly and he felt tears starting to stream down his face. Angels don’t cry. They are not built that way. But in that moment he cried._

_Cas pressed his lips against hers and she kissed him back. They sat like that for what felt like minutes until Cas’ hands slowly moved up to cup her face. His fingers resting against her temple. A white light shined from his hands and she fell lifeless into his arms._  

**Dean’s POV**

Dean carefully knocked on the side of the doorframe before he walked into her room but Cas didn’t move. He was on the floor with his back against the wall and his face hidden in his hands.

Dean’s heart was breaking for his friend and he had no idea how to fix it, “are you okay buddy?”

Cas didn’t move. He didn’t answer. Dean was worried so he slowly crossed the room and sat down on the edge of her bed as he desperately tried to come up with a way he could help.

“Maybe you could visit her in heaven?” Dean offered quietly.

Cas still didn’t move. He didn’t look up. His words came out thick broken, “she won’t be there Dean. Amara took her soul.”

Dean swallowed and he felt the tears press against his eyes. She didn’t deserve this. Cas didn’t deserve this. He had been happy – there had to be a way to get her back.

It was is if Cas had read his mind, “there is no way of getting her back Dean.” Cas slowly got off the floor and looked at his friend and Dean’s heart started racing.

Cas looked ominous. His eyes had darkened and he looked every bit the soldier he had been when he was fighting the war against Raphael in heaven. Every bit as determined as he had been before he had freed the leviathans, and let them into his vessel.

“But I will avenge her!” and with that he was gone as if his anger had somehow fueled his grace and gotten him his wings back. Dean jumped off the bed. Terrified for his friend and what he was about to do so he screamed out his name into the empty room. There was no Castiel and no reply.

“CAAAAS!!!”


End file.
